Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
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Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.