Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
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Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.