9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Things will get butter, keep churning
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
fourth time’s the charm
I’m having an out of money experience.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
🙅🏻
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.