Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Shoo shoo! 😂
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀