Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.