Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
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When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today