No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea