You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Cats are still liquid.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it