What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
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my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now