[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
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I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”