me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
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Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
The only good comments section online is on recipes
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.