my first dose meeting my second
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At an art museum and I thought this was art
I came this close!!!!
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
O Wise One….
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…