I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
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All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
North and South
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.