Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Doctors texting each other.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
british sex workers really pound for pound