Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Is….Is this an option?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go