why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?