I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
You Might Also Like
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
🙄😏😂🤣
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.