Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
knights of the ikea table
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
two people or more is called a problem
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.