My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”