If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
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*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
How about I get 100% off by already being there
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe