“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I feel seen
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.