Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
This squirrel eats better than I do
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Beware…..
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad