My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Oops
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.