Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
🤣dope
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!