Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*