Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Trumpy Cat
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!