a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised