It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Grandmother clock.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer