If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”