Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Breaking news:
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.