a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
<- sleeps well with others
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now