i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I think we should hear other voices.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The internet is full of many things
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Planet of the Apps.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.