It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
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You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
How do you like your Corgi?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent