“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Attacked by a mop.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
#SuperBowl
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
“What?”
– Jude
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.