Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
twitter is a journey
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.