Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?