[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
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DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]