Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
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“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
thank god the sign was there
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Mountain Goat : )
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Google assistant rules
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.