Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Nice try, poison.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
yea so i messed up lol
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?