me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
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$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Pickled cat.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
lost dog
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.