This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
What?!?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.