My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Writing, She Murdered.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?