Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?