“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Effort made
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
This is a sub tweet
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.