Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me