I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
sensitive skin
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur