16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
guys i’ve cracked the code
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl