What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
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(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Beware of the dog..
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long