*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
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Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.