“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.